I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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