I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
