she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
