We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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