what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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