Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
