On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
