If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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