considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
