R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
