I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
