It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
