Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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