tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
