I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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