I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Do you remember whose house we're in?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
