Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
