I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
