Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
