She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
