my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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