I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
