I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
