you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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