cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
