Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
