I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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