If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
