cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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