Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
