Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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