so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
