News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
