dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
