I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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