Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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