Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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