Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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