Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
