just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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