I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
