shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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