I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
