Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
