You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
