I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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