This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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