Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your cock deserves a montage
don't judge my taste in strippers
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
