Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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