i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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