These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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