I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
