There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
