He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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